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As if it’s already half way through January



It almost feels like it was yesterday we were still writing 2019 - and yet we've now had FIFTEEN DAYS (or at least for those on my side of the world) to practice it.  I actually can't believe how ridiculously quick it's been. I've already broken like 80% of my original resolutions that I wasn't officially committing to - but been able to commit to a few others.

I figured I haven't actually given a proper life update in a while so heck, why not now?





Yeah, look I really wanted to be like BAM. I ROCKED INTO THE NEW YEAR. #NEWYEARNEWME  but seriously, I spent from New Years day all through to about five days ago riddled with period pain, PMS and every hormone imbalance under the sun. I skipped my PT sessions for a whole week because I was too fucking tired and exhausted to get out of bed.  I totally ate way too much Macca's and chocolate and just threw all my fucks away.


Now - I don't recommend this approach.
At all.


And I'm regretting this because again, we are fifteen days into this year and whilst we don't think on a daily basis that our decisions are doing much,  if I'd been a champ for those two weeks I'd be much further on than not.

However, I also don't regret this because I know my body well enough to know that if I'd attempted to try and force it to do exercise and clean eating and whatever else, we would've reverted a million steps back.

The takeaway here is that I'm back gyming now, three times a week.  I hit a PB on my leg press of 140kg after three years of not doing anything of the same sort so I'll take that as a win.  I've also started back on my shakes and diet plan so I've got a bit of a goal which is what we want to see.  I think I'll start trying to do a weekly update post on my food intake and also what I'm doing at the gym ♥



My countdown for Bali (which ho'shit, I haven't blogged on yet, watch this space) is coming up in like, less than 50 days. Which also means my birthday is less than 50 days so heck yeah - bring on 28!  I've finally booked in my accommodation, and just finalising my activity list.   I'm a bit frustrated as I had full intentions on doing Bali for under $1k for the whole week, which I'm 99% convinced is doable (And will be a challenge later in the year I think) -  but, I figure screw it. It's again my birthday, and my first overseas trip in like four years, and I think I can afford to splash out a little.

I'm planning on seeing the Orangutans and Elephants (Yes to the mud bath - no to riding them) for my actual birthday which I'm RIDICULOUSLY excited over.

Still sussing out insurance and slightly skeptical that my flights are going to be fine as I'm going with my least favorite airline because they are unfortunately super cheap but I guess it's gonna be a watch this space.



It's going okay.  To start the year off feeling so horrible and crappy, and not sticking to my diet plan for the first bit was a bit of a downer, especially since I was GO GO GO  coming out of 2019.  I feel like I'm all in all in a really good space and should have a bit of direction.  The vlog is troubling me only because I don't know what in the world to talk about but oh well - that's something I guess will come in time.


So that's my year round up so far. How's your year going?
Let me know in the comments!

The Set Backs: December Entry

See, there's this thing that happens when you battle anxiety of depression.  If you're lucky,  you get better, and you go through days, weeks, months, and if you're amazingly lucky - years without relapsing back into that space.


I can't speak for everyone who has battled for mental health issues, nor could I ever expect to.  But for me personally, knowing what I've been through, the hardest thing to have happen - is when you relapse.  When you know that you've fought so fucking hard to get out of whatever hole you got into, that you spoke to your therapist and put all the action plans in place, you've been working on your health, you've done everything right and then BANG.  You've reverted back into this slump that can quickly spiral out of control.


The word draining gets thrown around a bit - and it is.  It's draining to have to have an ongoing battle with the voice in your head that tells you that you're trash. That what you're doing is not enough, and you're a failure. It's draining to battle with that voice and it's so, so loud, that you get to the point of pure frustration and desperation to just shut it up for a few moments.

It's hard when you try and explain to someone, that you're aware that your thoughts are irrational, and you're fully aware that most of the time they make no sense, and it's equally as hard to try and justify that whilst you're aware of this - that at this exact moment,  that's it's very real to you, and you are struggling.



Photo by Ian Espinosa on Unsplash

I'm not a person to shy away from speaking up to say I'm struggling. I am.  I am not in a great headspace.  I haven't slept properly for a week - I have continual nightmares. I saw a girl today, probably the same age as me, in hysterics at the bottom of the pathway of the Tasman Bridge, and as I called 000 to hopefully prevent something absolutely unimaginable from happening - it struck me that it wasn't unimaginable.  I have known the feeling of wanting to be free of pain. Free from voices. Free from debt and the overwhelming amount of pressure on the world.

She's been on my mind all day, and that I hope she's okay, and it was just a bad day and she knows it gets better, because eventually it does.  It might not seem it; there have been a lot of nights where I've refused to believe this statement myself, but it turns around.


It does.

Sunshine Blogger Nomination!

I was very humbled to be nominated for the Sunshine Blogger award – a community driven positivity aware through the blog community. Find out more here!