A couple of days ago I wrote in a post about how realistically we shouldn't feel pressured for not being productive during this unorthodox time that we're in. Now, I'm the key example of not listening to my own words. I'm sitting on the edge of my couch, low key freaking about how I've done absolutely nothing this week. I feel so unmotivated, and even though I have 50+ drafts ready to go - and probably six days worth of photos to edit - I just want to go back to bed. It's got me thinking - am I okay?
Am I being too harsh on myself? Quite potentially. I suffer from high functioning anxiety. So sitting around and doing nothing bugs me to no end. I'm the type of person who needs to be go go go 24/7. I stress when I'm just twiddling my fingers and hoping for the best. I think it also has to do with the fact that as I have lost my job, looking at doing photography and creating content should be what takes over, right? Right?
I dislike second-guessing myself, but like most things in life, it's something that I still do. I'm trying to tell myself that it's okay. There are going to be days like this where I feel off. These are triggers that I've been made aware of in the past - and if I need to go back to bed to shake it off, then so be it.
My concern circles back to the almost invisible expectation that I'm trying to paint for myself. I want to be seen as a bit of a role model for people that it's entirely possible to keep your head above water. On the same token, I'm reminded that this is not the case at all. I absolutely want to be someone that people can look up to - but not for someone who has to be positive all the time, but someone who can admit when they're having an off day. That this is normal, and it's normal to feel like that.
What even is normal nowadays? Is there actually a normal? Have I used the word normal too many times in the space of three sentences? (The answer is yes.)
At the end of the day, it's not a bad thing for our heads to go beneath the waves for a little while. How else would we be able to do snorkeling and see the world from a different view? As long as we remember that eventually, we will resurface on the other end, then it's all going to be okay. I'm going to tuck that thought into the back of my head and take it a little easy for a while because I'm not drowning underneath this.
So am I okay? I'm not sure.
But it's going to be okay.