No one ever likes to admit they’re depressed. It’s still this taboo subject that we sit upon, and even after all the RUOK days, and the support people pour out -it’s still an uncomfortable subject to sit upon. I have hit my lowest point that I have been in quite a few years. I figure I don’t owe any one an explanation, but as with the whole point of this blog was to make others feel like they’re less alone – I figured it was about time, if not from necessity than anything else, to try and start healing, to come back and have a chat.
This last year hasn’t been great, and I think it’s a sentiment that’s still shared with millions of people across the world. Whether that be for the people still stuck in lockdowns or going into new ones. People who are still trying to work out where they actually fit into this new norm. It’s hard, y’know? Truth be told, covid hasn’t been the reason for my downfall. I have definitely seen a lot of different factors pop up, but that isn’t particularly one of them.
I moved to Darwin as most of you would know (and if you don’t, you can re-trace my journey here) and expected to start an exciting chapter of my life. I honestly thought I’d be engaged by now – be coming to you with cute wedding updates and even potentially news of a house and/or a kid. Maybe some awesome new photography shoots and blogging tips. Obviously, none of those things have happened.
Instead, these past twelve months, I’ve seen myself slip to my lowest point whilst noting how much things outside our control can impact us. That we can tell ourselves and other people that “We are our own happiness, we can choose to be happy.” - but then notice how bad the mental health system can be when we try to seek health. That if we’ve experienced physical trauma, how nonchalant our first responders can act.
The biggest one and it'll be a story to tell over the next few months is how those who are closest to us are the ones who are probably going to hurt us the most.
I've kind of lost my way. This version of myself where I currently am isn't the one I expected to meet this time, this year. This is the first piece of writing I've done in nine months. I've done less than ten shoots this year, compared to a hard drive full of memories in the preparation of moving. My hours at work don't allow for me to enjoy the sunlight, and I currently live in a room with no windows as I had to get the fudge out of a daunting situation. I'm not going to pretend that life is going well, because in the whole, behind the scenes, it's not.
And whilst it's not okay of the events and circumstances that have contributed for it to get to this point - it's okay that it's not okay because that's just what happens sometimes.
When you're at your lowest point, I guess the only thing you can really do is look up, and to what is beyond the dark clouds that are hovering. I sat down a few days ago and wrote out a list of 22 items that I wanted to achieve between now and September 2022 - and coming back here, and talking to you guys was literally number one on there.
I've missed writing, I've missed seeing a creative Claire. I've written down lots of new ideas and hopes that I want to see through, and maybe this'll be the year we kick start this again.