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14/4/2020

Midnight

 

I've become the adult equivalent of an unsettled baby.  Grizzly, uncomfortable, and becoming increasingly frustrated that I'm unable to communicate exactly what it is wrong with me.  Another day's gone by and I'm feeling the pressure on myself that I had done absolutely nothing with it.   The action plan to go and start a new diet?  Didn't happen.  Going for a 30 minute walk? Nope.  Desperately craving some form of vegetable but had Maccas instead?  Yep.   I can feel myself going down hill and having an internal argument that we're stronger than this - but yet still can't grasp on how to fix being so overwhelmed.

 

 

Five Twenty-Two AM.

 

I know this because this happens to be the sixth time I've looked at my phone in the past half an hour.  I should have been asleep somewhere around three or four hours ago.  This isn't to say I haven't tried.  I absolutely did;  my brain was all ready to switch off, my eyes hurts - there should have been nothing preventing sleep.  Yet there was.  I'm 90% confident I'm allergic to the smoke from our woodfire and where blissful sleep should have been - I was yet again re-jolted awake with a runny nose and continual sneezing fits.  I wonder how many clarentine tablets you can take before you overdose on them?  Honestly I wasn't  in the mood to find  out.

 

 

One PM

 

Somewhere along the lines, I've fallen asleep.  I also awoke to a tissue stuffed up one of my nostrils,  so apparently the whole runny nose business got to me at some point during the last few hours.  I still feel groggy as all hell and start to consider how much I'm not appreciating this sleep schedule.  In fairness to my body - I'm getting my five to six hours, just not at the right time.  I tell my Mum about it,  she suggests I should probably get sleeping pills.  I don't disagree.

 

Five PM

 

Productivity today has so far been that I found three new species of fish on animal crossing, and planted a new row of trees.  Again, I ponder of the fact that I should be up and walking around.  That I spent an ungodly amount on work out gear that's just sitting in the bedroom.  4KG weights aren't fun to trip over, yet that's the apparent purpose they're currently serving.    There's a lot of judgement.  Not to anyone else, but only to me.  Why exactly can I not get up and actually leave the house and do what I need to do to feel better?  Why am I having consistent arguments about how things should go in such a time where everything is all topsy turvy?  A better question is why am I even talking to myself?  Surely it's from being stuck inside.

... which. Could be fixed.
By going outside.
Which I still can't seem to do.

Eight-Thirty PM

 

The blog post that was originally meant to be posted on Sunday sits awkwardly in my drafts folder.  It talked about how Easter didn't feel all that special any more, and whether or not that you needed to have little ones to respark that magic.

I feel like I need a lot of magic at the moment.
My sparkle bar is sitting very low.

 

I've given up trying to find a different photo to display for this post, and lazily accept that getting up to find my hard drive is too much effort. Everything just seems like an effort.  I keep looking for silver linings throughout the day -and there's been plenty of them.  Like how one of my plants has sprouted new leaves, and I've sort of taught Wally a new trick.

But there's just this ongoing overwhelming blanket that smothers the good bits.  I'm getting snippy towards the people in my family, and just wanting to get out and speak to others.  I'd kill for a coffee date.  On the flipside, I know how many messages are currently sitting in my inbox unanswered as I just don't have the energy to reply to the people who have so kindly reached out.  I feel like a failure wrapped up in a few extra layers of weight.  (The new stretch mark on my stomach confirms that.)

 

The colder months already bring out the worst of my anxiety and depression, and I'm cautiously suspicious how this year is going to go.

 

 

I'm exhausted already.
I just want some form of normality back.

 

Clairesupersmall

So, I guess I became a plant Mum

When I was little, my Pop had this HUMONGOUS veggie garden at his house.  He would always plant very similar things each season, yet I always loved it. It meant that I could eventually go and pick said vegetables at a later point in time.  The veggies always looked amazing, and it was always immaculately cluttered but also chaotically structured working order. (It sounds likes my bedroom.  Maybe that's where I got my messy but creative streak from. Who knows? Anywho.)

Sadly,  I never inherited my Pop's green thumb.  Over the years, I've been gifted many succulents, and each one of them have died.  There's a running theory that I either:

A) Over watered them
B) Didn't keep them in the sun
C) Under watered them, or;
D) Completely forgot about them  (the more likely option)

 

This isn't to say that I didn't want to keep them alive - I was just young and naive, and the whole idea of keeping a plant alive wasn't really cool back in the old days.  Or, not to me at least.

20200403_0230-copy

Fast forward to my adult years:

Over the past few months,  my interest for plants has started to rise again.   A lot of the girls I used to work with grew plants, and my social channels, when they were being flooded with babies and engagements - there were plants.  I figured, well, I'm not getting engaged any time soon, and a baby is off the cards kind of indefinitely,  what about plants?  So I started on my journey for fake ones.

Kmart was a godsend for random-ass plants that looked pretty, and required el zilcho requirements on my part.  My favourite is one with a watermelon base (which was only like, $2 because the legs are cracked but that's a minor detail.)

This still didn't really feel like it was enough though. Y'know?  I loved seeing them, but I'm a hoarder.  The thing about being a hoarder is that all the inanimate objects that you collect,  you love them equally, knowing that they'll always be there for you no matter what.  Even if all your objects are taking up every inch of space in your available area.  (insert awkward smile here.)

The issue is though, unless you're super crafty, or at least semi-motivated, these don't actually change.  You can stare at your beautiful fake watermelon pot as much as you like - and it'll just sit there. Doing nothing. Year in, year out.

If we can remember one of the key points of my blog just for a key minute - I'm a midlife, mid-life crisis blogger.  AKA - I had a melt down at where my habits were getting me.

BRING IN: THE SIMS

How absolutely banging is Sierra's bedroom and downstairs area, right?  I spent hours downloading mods one night, before deciding that I was going to take on an amazing house reno.  Apparently my inner child wanted to make it super amazing and bright -

AND PLANTS EVERY WHERE

I'm pretty confident by now we've all seen the movie Inception  and the idea of plants has just stuck in my head.  For months now.  So, I decided to do a real life Sims episode and renovate my deck, and the inside of my house and became a plant mum for the like, fourth time in my life.

Now I'm not an individual to test the water and see how we go - oh no.  Not me.
I went a little crazy:

AND THERE'S MORE

These are just the ones that are outside.  There's another three cuties inside, plus a few other bright coloured ones that went to my front garden.  I'm pretty excited.  I worked my butt off making everything look pretty (and also avoided the builders next door which was a pretty large feat, if you don't mind me saying.)

I spotted a monstera today online which I would ABSOLUTELY LOVE TO ADD INTO THE COLLECTION but, I with withhold until I know I can successfully not kill at least all of these ones.  I shall keep you updated over the next few months.

 

Are you are a crazy plant person?  Do you have a favourite?
Let me know in the comments below!

Clairesupersmall

I’ve got chills – and they’re multiplying into a sweat rash. #ARealTalkPost

(Y'know what, this face was the exact moment my legs had stuck together and I wasn't moving anywhere from my spot on the ground, and the sweat behind my knee caps had just squelshed. Yeesh. Welcome to #RealTalk)

One of my most favourite things about being a teenager in the 2000's was the fact that I got to see emo bands come out with ridiculously long titled songs that made nearly no sense, but were somehow awesome.  I actually managed to transfer this concept into a lot of my old poetry I used to write titles like; "This could have only been four words but is now a whole paragraph avoiding sweat: the novel"

sweat

Growing up - I was acutely aware that I sweated more than most people. Like - it was super gross, and is still, super fucking gross.  I'm a plus size girl. I always have been. It's not like I can honestly sit here and write an article about sweat and glamify it, regardless if it's a perfectly natural thing or not.

 

The point though that it IS a perfect natural thing.
That doesn't stop it being hard though.

 

GOING BACK TO THE OLD SCHOOL DAYS

I know coming out of P.E. back in high school it was rough. Particularly after any class that featured that horrifying excuse of exercise called the BEEP test, (Yeah, you know the one.  I had nightmares about it. Level one, one. bee bee beep)  Finishing that class, I broke. I'm talking about full face red, wheezing, and sweat dripping down for days. Okay maybe not days. There's a thing called a shower which was readily available after school, but that was the thing yeah?  In Australia, (or at least at my high school) whilst we had showers available,  blow me down if anyone ever actually used them after sport.  I have a list of things I'd tell my younger self. Advocating for time to allow the option to actually shower off is certainly one of them.

 

A NUMBER OF ISSUES

 

There's a number of issues with sweat. <br>Firstly, it smells.   Yes, I know that technically it's meant to be that way. Apparently it comes from the idea that people with opposite genes find it attractive, and therefore will be more likely to have a better gene pool.  Or something like that.

Let's be honest though, sweat and the smell is pre' gross.  Especially when if and when it gets soaked into your clothes.

If you had P.E.  first up on a day, and you were stuck in your clothes for the rest of it, Good luck to your parental figure for getting that stink out.

I know even in my current uniform that I have for work, I have to double wash my clothes just to be on the safe side, and even then, I'm wearing $7 kmart tops because I know eventually all these are going to be good for are the bin, which is a horrid waste of money and waste to the environment.

Then you get into the embarrassment piece. Who knows that you sweat?  Who can see it?  It's like when you're casually walking up a hill for the whole of two minutes and it looks like you've just run a half marathon, who's out there judging you?  That feeling of being fearful of wearing anything light coloured to the gym, because you know that your sweat patches are going to be SUPER evident and don't want people to stare. Not to mention your whole entire wardrobe rivals archers closet with the amount of choices of black you have.

Credit: Archer |  FX & Netflix
Credit: Archer | FX & Netflix

Do you know how much I'd LOVE to add my colour into my wardrobe?  Seriously, there's only so much you can do with dark clothing, and we all know that I love white and pinks, but not so much the see through when wet factor.

 

Don't even get me STARTED on being called out on your sweaty problem.  I'm aware that I'm gross. I feel gross. There is only so much spray I can put on before I start smelling like a perfume shop, (and actually I'll get to that in a moment) -  but at my last job - I had FOUR different people approach me at different times telling me that they had complaints. I was mortified, and I legit bawled my eyes out. It was the most humiliating thing to ever happen.  "Is your washing machine broken?  Maybe there's some mold?  Do you actually wash them...?  Have you tried xyz product? FUCKING YES I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING LEAVE ME ALONE IN MY OWN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT PLEASE AND THANKS.

 

 

Let's also not forget one of the worst things about sweat.
SWEAT. RASH.

 

I'm talking about that AWFUL feeling of sweat under your boobs and butts. You know about that horrible chafe you get between your legs and you have to waddle for at least two days and sleep with a pillow between your legs because it hurts.  I want to say I'm a stranger to all of this, but I'm not. Which sucks so freaking much because I'd love to be a sweat free type of gal.

Now, I don't want this post to be all up in the negatives.

So instead I wanted to quickly put some things up that maybe people didn't know - or are just things I've come across that I can appreciate.

 

1. Antiperspirants, deodorants, perfume, and body spray/mist - are not the same product.

Dove has a really quick and neat post here about some of the differences between antiperspirants and deodorants. If you can't be bothered clicking, here's a quick recap; Antiperspirants are designed to kick butt against sweat and odour, (especially when active), whereas deodorants do a good job when you're more chilled back and enjoying life in the slow lane.   Perfumes, body spray and mist, on the other hand, are there to make you smell pretty.  They do nothing for your sweaty butt.

So if you're at the supermarket and needing to choose between Lynx Africa and Illusions by Impulse, Lynx Africa is actually going to be more your friend.  (Full disclosure, I was actually going to make fun of Africa here, but apparently it's a full antiperspirant so who knew?)  Which I'm sure is just a shock to you as well. If you're finding that you're still being super sweaty, then there are MANY others out there with a stronger anti-sweat effect.

 

Talking about this, if you've read any of my posts recently, you'll know I've been raving about the My Shay product I've been using.  Honestly - I love it to pieces.  I still think I might need something a bit stronger, but compared to everything else I've tried over the years, it's been such a blessing in disguise.  I particularly like the smell because it's just amazing, and Tara (the kickass lady who owns the company) has made them in super sensitive ranges too. Yay!

*I promise this isn't a sponsored post, I'm just really passionate about stuff that works for uncomfortable situations.

2.  3B CREAM

I've talked about this one before but 3B Cream has been a life saver on so many of my trips.  I swear upon this stuff for anything to do with chafing. I legit went my whole last Darwin trip with ZERO rash, and I was sweating like mad.  Could not rate it highly enough. It works great for your upper body, lower body - and absolutely between yo' thighs, too.

 

Another one (depending on the heat and your sweat level) that I've recommended in the past, is the dusting powder from Lush which I found smelt amazing, but again, sweated off pretty quickly in a Melbourne heatwave. I think if you were just wearing it again on a chill day,  that you'd do a bit better.

 

3. CHAIR BUTT SWEAT IS A THING. AND IT'S OKAY.  

The worst part of going to the gym I find, is the fact that whenever I'm on stationary equipment, (For example the leg press, or seated rows - or whatever,) I leave a butt sweat patch.  (Okay, look, it's the motivation to go in the first place, but this is a close second,) It's pre' gross.  Like, oh look. That's exactly where my butt was.

 

I also hate going out to dinner, or basically anywhere that has a plastic seat because trying to cover this up is horrible and awkward.  I personally found taking a small thing of disinfectant wipes with me, and do a quick wipe over before I leave makes me feel a bit better.  Generally you can pick some up that sit super well within a bag, and defo in a backpack.  I'm a little less self conscious now. Generally I won't hide what I'm doing. If you're not quite there though, you can just say that you've spilled something from whatever you were eating and wipe it away that way.

 

Let's be honest though, it's NOT something to be ashamed about. Whilst not everyone has this issue - I reckon a whole bunch of us do and it's just a part of you that you've just gotta embrace and be like BAM.  I'm being pro-active about it.

 

 

 

BONUS TIP

If you're an adult who has their skin routine down pat, first of all, I applaud you, and secondly - you'd hopefully know a bit more of how to do said routine than I do, however in a moment of being an adult, I placed moisturiser on my face before leaving the house.  Low and behold, it was a total heatwave inside my car, and the moisturiser I'd so lovingly put on my face 10 minutes early obviously did not have time to soak - and had now re-surfaced and started running down my face, and more importantly to this story - IN. TO. MY. EYES.  I was in the middle of town, in rush hour, driving nearly blind, crying more poor eye(?) out because it stung like hell. Nearly died that day.

Do not put moisturiser around your eyes before leaving the house if it's a hot day. This goes for any other time you know you're gonna sweat it out, before it sets properly into your skin.

This also goes for sunscreen, which has also happened too many times that I care to admit for.

 

sweat
SO TO WRAP UP

all my fellow sweaty people, you are not alone. I feel you. (From a distance, because let's be honest, you don't want anyone touching you when you feel like that.)  Plus understand the frustration of trying 10000 different types of sprays and creams to assist.  I get the humiliation you feel. I'm okay to talk about it - because if it makes one person feel less alone in the world - AMAZING.    It's a natural thing. Like boogers and snot.  Whilst it might be natural, it doesn't make it less gross. At least you know there are others out there.

I'd love to add more tips into the above for suggestions on how to combat sweat anxiety, or to embrace it (more or less) - so drop a comment in the comment box below!

Clairesupersmall

As if it’s already half way through January

IT'S THE FIFTEENTH OF JANUARY.
WTF.

 

It almost feels like it was yesterday we were still writing 2019 - and yet we've now had FIFTEEN DAYS (or at least for those on my side of the world) to practice it.  I actually can't believe how ridiculously quick it's been. I've already broken like 80% of my original resolutions that I wasn't officially committing to - but been able to commit to a few others.

I figured I haven't actually given a proper life update in a while so heck, why not now?

 

 

WEIGHT LOSS & DIET

 

Yeah, look I really wanted to be like BAM. I ROCKED INTO THE NEW YEAR. #NEWYEARNEWME  but seriously, I spent from New Years day all through to about five days ago riddled with period pain, PMS and every hormone imbalance under the sun. I skipped my PT sessions for a whole week because I was too fucking tired and exhausted to get out of bed.  I totally ate way too much Macca's and chocolate and just threw all my fucks away.

 

Now - I don't recommend this approach.
At all.

 

And I'm regretting this because again, we are fifteen days into this year and whilst we don't think on a daily basis that our decisions are doing much,  if I'd been a champ for those two weeks I'd be much further on than not.

However, I also don't regret this because I know my body well enough to know that if I'd attempted to try and force it to do exercise and clean eating and whatever else, we would've reverted a million steps back.

The takeaway here is that I'm back gyming now, three times a week.  I hit a PB on my leg press of 140kg after three years of not doing anything of the same sort so I'll take that as a win.  I've also started back on my shakes and diet plan so I've got a bit of a goal which is what we want to see.  I think I'll start trying to do a weekly update post on my food intake and also what I'm doing at the gym ♥

TRIP PLANNING

 

My countdown for Bali (which ho'shit, I haven't blogged on yet, watch this space) is coming up in like, less than 50 days. Which also means my birthday is less than 50 days so heck yeah - bring on 28!  I've finally booked in my accommodation, and just finalising my activity list.   I'm a bit frustrated as I had full intentions on doing Bali for under $1k for the whole week, which I'm 99% convinced is doable (And will be a challenge later in the year I think) -  but, I figure screw it. It's again my birthday, and my first overseas trip in like four years, and I think I can afford to splash out a little.

I'm planning on seeing the Orangutans and Elephants (Yes to the mud bath - no to riding them) for my actual birthday which I'm RIDICULOUSLY excited over.

Still sussing out insurance and slightly skeptical that my flights are going to be fine as I'm going with my least favorite airline because they are unfortunately super cheap but I guess it's gonna be a watch this space.

LIFE IN GENERAL 

 

It's going okay.  To start the year off feeling so horrible and crappy, and not sticking to my diet plan for the first bit was a bit of a downer, especially since I was GO GO GO  coming out of 2019.  I feel like I'm all in all in a really good space and should have a bit of direction.  The vlog is troubling me only because I don't know what in the world to talk about but oh well - that's something I guess will come in time.

 

So that's my year round up so far. How's your year going?
Let me know in the comments!